It was bad

It was horrible. Ouch. Pain. Alone.

Fear

Fuck and Run!

Stay away. Leave me alone. If you see I am weak, you may leave.

This is what was going on in my head for days and I Binged and purged for days. It was the only thing that made me feel clean.

It has been two days with B and P and I feel good about it. Actually went to Break the Fast for Yom Kippur and ate and enjoyed myself. Bloated tummy today but I have been okay with it. It will go away.

I am sick of dying to be thin..

I made it

I went to the party and ate tons of food. Some bread, 1/2 a crabcake, salad, 1/2 of my entree and a wonderful slice of cake. I wanted to get rid of it but I did not want to purge. It was tough. But I did it and I survived. I gained 3 pounds this am but I know it is weight that will come off easily. That is huge for me.

Today was tough. S-my hubby ran a half marathon and I always get nervous. I did not pack myself the food I NEEDED and so I was hungry-had a soy latte..had some soy milk-they were handing it out-the high sugar one and that kind of got me screwed in the head-the fucks were coming in my brain-the war was starting

"Why don't you just eat everything since you messed it up with a sugary soy milk"

"NO!!"

Then I went home and had almonds, crackers with hummus and some flax crackers. I felt like that was too much. I wanted to get rid of it but I got in the shower and screamed. It worked. I made it through. We have another party tonight for the Jewish New Year. We are going to my hubby's in laws and I am nervous. I do not hate being with his sister and his mom but I do not look forward to it. Now his Dad and step mom I adore and love spending time with but anyway.

So tonight I am going to take myself and my boundaries again and hopefully I will post another day of no PURGING. I have not made it past 3 days in months. That would be huge.

I made it..

I managed to make it without a binge and purge last night. I even had one of tyhose times where I felt like such a failure and I actually allowed myself to cry. It was so stupid but by accident I locked my husband in the garage and he was so upset. I was bathing the baby and he was punding on the door. he thought it was a joke. I opened the door and he was so upset. I felt like a little kid messing up and Mommy and Daddy were upset with me..

ME: It is ok Rachel. It is fine. You did not mess up. He wil still love you. It is ok.

These are the conversations in my head sometimes minute to minute. I cried while I was bathing my son. It felt good to let go and let myself cry. I usuallt hold it in and pretend that nothing happened. I did this when I was a little girl. I would go pretend that everything was ok. The sexual abuse from my Dad, the rage from my setp father, the anorexia with my step mother and my mom just Pretending that everything was ok.

But I made it and I was proud when I woke up this morning. I acted like a 32 year old woman.

Tonight it my hubby's dad's birthday party with lots of people and food. Please Higher Power, allow me to go and be myself. Allow me not to be a puppet master and make everyone feel ok. Allow me to just show up. Free me from my anxiety. Help me be the woman, wife and mother I want to be.

Hopefully I will be fine. Usually I am fine there but then I get home ands want to binge and purge to release. Please let tonight be another good night where I am who I want to be in this world.

Today

Woke up tired. It is Friday and for whatever reason I always feel stressed on Fridays. I got the baby dressed and decised to put him in the running stroller and get moving. But after 1/2 a mile..my knees were hurting so we went home. I ate some almonds and cleaned up the house. Then I put the baby down for a nap and worked out for 30 minutes. I also punched the heavy bag and got out some aggression and that was helpful.

Then I ate an apple. The baby woke up and we ran some errands. We stopped by my moms and I was starving. I had 5 crackers, hummus and a tomato. It filled me up and I felt good. I am noticing my anger at my mom for stuff that had happened when we were younger. I am trying not to push it down. I still, after all of these years, try to protect my mom.

Then we came home and the baby napped and I actually napped for the first time in a very long time. It was nice. Hopefully tonight will be a night free of binges and purges. UGH the war in my own head hurts.

The first post

This is my first post about my struggles and my journey. Hopefully this blog will give me a way to express the very emotions that I keep inside of me. These are the very feeling that can only come up from a binge and purge. They only escape that way. I am at the end of thids chaoes but it still happens because I cannot make it stop. Tonight it happened after a wonderful Rosh Hashanna dinner at the iun laws. I ate well but I was hungry when I came home and 3 rices cakes later with jelly turned into blaoted stomach which turned into a binge of cereal, two cliff bars and a purge. It felt so good o get out all of the upset and well, just plain anxiety in general.

So hopefully this will be a way to document what the F**CK happens in my head.