I made it..

I managed to make it without a binge and purge last night. I even had one of tyhose times where I felt like such a failure and I actually allowed myself to cry. It was so stupid but by accident I locked my husband in the garage and he was so upset. I was bathing the baby and he was punding on the door. he thought it was a joke. I opened the door and he was so upset. I felt like a little kid messing up and Mommy and Daddy were upset with me..

ME: It is ok Rachel. It is fine. You did not mess up. He wil still love you. It is ok.

These are the conversations in my head sometimes minute to minute. I cried while I was bathing my son. It felt good to let go and let myself cry. I usuallt hold it in and pretend that nothing happened. I did this when I was a little girl. I would go pretend that everything was ok. The sexual abuse from my Dad, the rage from my setp father, the anorexia with my step mother and my mom just Pretending that everything was ok.

But I made it and I was proud when I woke up this morning. I acted like a 32 year old woman.

Tonight it my hubby's dad's birthday party with lots of people and food. Please Higher Power, allow me to go and be myself. Allow me not to be a puppet master and make everyone feel ok. Allow me to just show up. Free me from my anxiety. Help me be the woman, wife and mother I want to be.

Hopefully I will be fine. Usually I am fine there but then I get home ands want to binge and purge to release. Please let tonight be another good night where I am who I want to be in this world.